I received the following in a comment:
“Hi Howard,
Would you please share in your blog more about how you “let go”? I think that would be helpful to someone with Parkinson’s who is facing a similar need to surrender. I know Janice writes about it quite extensively, but I’m sure it would be helpful to get your perspective on this process.
Many thanks,
Linda”
I am uncertain who sees the comments, so I am responding with a new blog entry. On the morning that I received the suggestion to surrender my ego to my teacher and be done with it (Parkinson’s), I was confused. A little later in the morning, I sat down to read the next passage in a book I had started, Not Always So, Practicing the True Spirit of Zen, by Shunryu Suzuki.
Here is an excerpt from the passage I read that morning:
“Forget this moment and grow into the next. That is the only way. For instance, when breakfast is ready, my wife hits some wooden clappers. If I don’t answer, she may continue to hit them until I feel rather angry. This problem is quite simple — it is because I don’t answer. If I say ‘Hai!’ [‘Yes!’], there is no problem. Because I don’t say ‘Yes!’ she continues to call me because she doesn’t know whether or not I heard her.
Sometimes she may think, ‘He knows, but he doesn’t answer.’ When I don’t answer, I am on top of the pole (attached to the idea that reaching the top of pole you are climbing is enlightenment). I don’t jump off. I believe I have something important to do at the top of the pole: ‘You shouldn’t call me. You should wait.’ Or I may think, ‘This is very important! I am here, on the top of the pole! Don’t you know that?’ Then she will keep hitting the clappers. That is how we create problems.
So the secret is just to say ‘Yes!’ and jump off from here. Then there is no problem. It means to be yourself in the present moment, always yourself, without sticking to an old self. You forget all about yourself and are refreshed. You are a new self, and before that self becomes an old self, you say ‘Yes!’ and you walk to the kitchen for breakfast.” Pages 18-19.
At the point where I read the suggestion and then read this passage, I was about 80% recovered from Parkinson’s, and I even had put in my blog that my perception was that I always would have Parkinson’s, but on a sliding scale, I was very close to the not-having-Parkinson’s end of the scale. It is why I got the nudge to jump off of the pole.
I needed to give this background so I can explain what I did to let go.
That night when I headed to bed, Sally came over to me to perform the GV acupressure just like every night for the previous nine months so my tremors would subside and I could go to sleep. I declined. I told Sally that I thought I could deal with it, and if I had a problem, I would let her know.
Then, I performed the meditations/affirmations explained in my June 2nd blog entry. After tuning out the fear from my heart radio and giving gratitude for all the yucky things that did not happen to me that day, I let go of Parkinson’s like this:
I told my Higher Power, “I surrender my ego to you. I surrender my attachment to my Parkinson’s Disease to you. I am not afraid anymore. I no longer fear Parkinson’s. I no longer fear the scorn I may face by being cured from a disease the experts say there is no cure. I no longer fear the people who may say I was misdiagnosed or that I faked having the disease. I am surrendering my ego to you, that part of me that felt I needed to remain attached to Parkinson’s because the experts say once you have Parkinson’s you always have Parkinson’s. I am forgetting about my old self (Parkinson’s) and stepping into my new self (No Parkinson’s). I am saying “Yes!” and walking to the kitchen to have breakfast.”
I went to sleep, and when I awoke the next morning, my remaining symptoms were gone. That was 11 days ago, and my old self (Parkinson’s) is my old self…a memory of what was. I remain symptom free.
All my best,
Howard
