I am feeling great. I try to not look back on where I was five weeks ago and prior to that, but sometimes it is difficult to not look back and reflect. Over the last few days, I have been thinking about denial. For the nine months I was fighting Parkinson’s, I was not in denial. I knew I had it and I knew I was fighting it…and I knew it was fighting me. But what about the nine months before that, and the nine months before that. I knew some things were wrong with me physically, but I made excuses to myself and looked the other way.
I was in denial that something was wrong with me for a very long time prior to realizing I had Parkinson’s or receiving my diagnosis that I had Parkinson’s. The best way I can explain it is with this example: I was participating in a study earlier this year, and one of the questions said, “Calluses on your fingertips is often a symptom of Parkinson’s Disease. Do you have calluses on your fingertips?” My answer was “Yes” as I had calluses on my fingertips, and they had been there so long I could not remember when I first noticed them. When I woke up on June 12th symptom free, I noticed later that day that the calluses were gone…absolutely gone and I had smooth fingertips. I was astounded.
When I went to log on to my laptop the next day, my fingerprint log on did not work for any of my fingers. It occurred to me that my fingertips must have had the calluses when I programmed the fingerprint log on. I was more astounded than the day before because I had gotten that laptop and set the fingerprint log on in April of 2008, 19 months prior to my official diagnosis that I had Parkinson’s. Being honest with myself, I have to admit that I was in denial for a very long time that there was something wrong with me physically. Being in denial was a mistake, but it was a mistake that I was able to overcome.
What I am trying to convey is my realization that I never could have gotten cured from Parkinson’s until I got out of denial and faced it head on screaming to the world, “I have Parkinson’s Disease and I am going to defeat it.” When I reached the final days of fighting the disease and needed to “let go,” I knew right where to look and exactly what to let go.
If you are reading this and have Parkinson’s and are having a hard time letting go of it, maybe you are in denial like I was that something actually is wrong with you physically. If you are, then I do not think you can solve this problem. I have realized a truth we all know but seldom discuss — until you acknowledge there is a problem, then your mind and your body can’t fix it because they do not perceive a problem exists. Simply put, the subconscious cannot “let go” of Parkinson’s if the conscious self doesn’t accept that the body has the disease.
The great part about this is that getting out of denial is as simple as facing the disease, telling a few close friends and relatives about and fully accepting that you have it. Once you are out of denial, it is hard work to get cured, but it is a journey well worth it. I am living proof of that.
All my best,
Howard
